Captivity – Review – 1 Star

Of all the movies I’ve watched in my life so far, this could possibly be the worst ever! This film is horrendous and I urge everyone to stay away. If for some reason you are kidnapped by killers and tortured by being made to watch it please laugh hard and give it what it deserves. 

It’s almost hard to find a starting point when it comes to trying to explain to people the utter mess this film is. I’m going to give it my best shot. The film is boring and pointless. It begins with Elisha Cuthbert being kidnapped. We get no idea who she is, she is simply stalked and taken. Then, in what has to be possibly the most boring first hour of the film she is just tortured and tortured and given little games to play. At this point we really know nothing about her and feel nothing as she is being tortured. She feels more like a featured extra. Yes, she is beautiful to look at, but that’s wears off after the first ten minutes because you are so bored and have spend that time wondering in your head of ways you can watch her and be entertained. At that point, you think of hit show 24, and you’ve already forgotten the awful experience you are having. This goes on for ever and for some unknown reason the editor constantly fades to black, making the audience constantly aware of the slow speed time is moving both in the film and as you are trying your utmost best to sit through this. The gags themselves are very tame and are nowhere near as creative as say SAW. They are quite tame and never is their any sense of direction or similarity in the gags that make you feel they were made by one person who enjoys to get a specific rise for himself. The production design inside the torture chamber is fine, but that’s the problem. Having nothing else going for it, giving us mediocre art direction and sets only continue to further your boredom because you feel like you have seen this all done much better before. There is one particular dog gag, the payoff of which is supposed to be funny, but is purely laughable and by that point in the film, me, my friends and the rest of the audience had realized what trash they were watching and were in stitches from this point on. 

As the variety of traps and gags have already showed us, the killer has no focus and no aim. He seems to experiment on rats but that has absolutely nothing to do with his cut outs of girls and his torturing of them. This is one way in which we can see villains like Buffalo Bill and the Toothfairy (thanks to Thomas Harris for both of those) really stand apart. They are believable in that they have a motive and we can, in a twisted way, understand how and why they are doing things. 

All of a sudden half way through the film we are introduced to another male prisoner, who has less lines than an extra and is all of a sudden the hero of the piece and protecting poor Elisha who clearly is missing Jack Bauer (of 24). The character has no character and is so bland that it is painfully funny when he pulls lines from the bottom of who knows where and starts trying to bring some sort of philosophy into the film. Elisha asks him what is truth. What you can touch he responds. Nothing wrong with the line but what the heck is it doing here in this movie when all that’s happened is a girl has been tortured for an hour. It honestly makes the Transformers’ lines that I was so picky about look like Oscar gold. 
Then, chuck in the obligatory sex scene, and then some characters dying who we don’t care about and we are truly lost and bored, not knowing what’s going on and just wanting it to end. But it doesn’t. It then just moves into the ridiculous revealing a big lame twist. The killer/killers make no sense what-so-ever and you really don’t care at all what is happening anymore, you’re either sleeping or laughing so hard that you might be crying. The motives for the killers doesn’t quite match to what they are doing and we don’t understand how what they are doing makes them feel any better about the past. The back story motive took place when they we children and we see the killer turning on his mother and killing her. He is watching the tape as he is reflecting on what he is doing. Who filmed this? There are multiple camera set ups shooting simultaneously in this little home made video but it would have been impossible to make. When directors don’t think through things like this, I often wonder who hired them and why they would give them a bunch of money to make such trash. After this there is then also a possible hint that the killer/killers are gay? It is honestly hilarious. To want end? To make what point? Who knows.

The gore is not gory, besides one moment where she has to drink blood, and there are NO frights in the film. It is not scary! It’s scary to me that I have found a film that I cannot find one thing to really commend. Generally, even in movies I detest, I can give them credit for a few things I think that did work. I cannot do that here. 

Finally, the cops appear at the house looking for the missing girl. In the worst plot device/coincidence they want to watch the basketball game on tv but while watching accidentally flip over to one of the camera through which the killer has been watching Elisha on. It is so obviously a plot device and stands out so badly. There are actually several of these coincidences in the last, dying, or should I say dead minutes of the film. 

Neither the lighting nor the cinematography is able to even be anything more than average with the score putting me to sleep instead of waking me up and keeping me tense. In a word, Rubbish.

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